Post by westernsunset on Dec 7, 2018 8:09:40 GMT 10
Title: Better Not
Rating: PG-13 for some sexuality and homophobia.
Prompt: First Crush
Summary: Raoul's crush is obvious to someone, and he receives a warning that changes his life. (Title and some phrases taken from Bruce Springsteen's songs "You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)" and "I Wanna Marry You."
Better Not
Normally, Raoul hated the endless banquets they had to serve at. Not because he hated banquets, but because having to remember all the etiquette and serve people many courses was exhausting after a whole day of training.
That changed after he saw Charles. He was jumpy the next day, wondering if he would see Charles at that night’s banquet. He wanted to see him again, even though he wasn’t sure what he would do, if he would even do anything.
All his hopes and fears were confirmed when he first entered the banquet to serve and immediately saw Charles and Magalene at a table with an older man Raoul assumed was their father. He wasn’t serving their table tonight, which meant he didn’t drop anything right away. While the four people at his table were selecting the beginning course, he snuck a glance at Charles, who tonight was wearing a well-fitting tunic that showed off strong arms. Raoul blushed a little just thinking about it.
“Raoul,” Alex’s voice was light and teasing. “Your new lover is here.” The boys were picking up plates for the next course and Raoul stopped himself from tensing up.
“Shut up Alex,” he grumbled. Part of having crushes was pretending you didn’t actually like the person. Raoul knew how to play along.
“Oh, we all saw you blushing! Who knew our tough Raoul could blush?” Alex laughed.
“You know she’s single,” Jon said. “And not much older than us! I’m sure her father would love to meet you.”
“Jon if you weren’t the heir to the throne I’d threaten you with death.” The last thing Raoul needed was to come face to face with Charles, or Mithros forbid, his father.
“Move, move!” Master Oakbridge started shooing the boys out. “You all can swoon over ladies after the banquet!”
Raoul scurried out with the second course. When he turned around to return to the kitchen, he saw Gary presenting the dish of meat to Magalene. Gary’s mouth was moving, and his head jerked over towards Raoul.
That was that. He was going to have to kill Gary. Magalene looked over at Raoul and smiled a little. When she turned, Charles did too, and their eyes met again. Raoul felt his face go absolutely scarlet. Gary gave Raoul and evil grin and trotted back to the kitchen. Raoul stood there, a little dumbfounded, until Francis jostled him.
“You really are lovesick aren’t you?” Francis said as the boys went back.
“I guess,” Raoul mumbled.
“She’s pretty, I see why you like her.” Raoul just nodded, embarrassed and enraged. Even if he had liked Magalene as all his friends thought he did, he would have been embarrassed. He’d never do something like that to Gary, blab about his crushes to the object of his affections.
Raoul rarely lost his temper, but when he saw Gary he couldn’t help himself. He lunged at Gary, dropping his tray and pushing Gary. Hard.
“What were you thinking?! How would you like it if I told Lady Annel how you felt about her? You can’t just go around blabbing my business to everyone!” He knew he was yelling, but all the anger and stress that he’d been bottling up and come spilling out of him, and he wanted someone to pay.
All the mirth had gone out of Gary’s eyes, and he was giving Raoul the empty, calculating stare that was so typical of Gary.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would upset you this much,” Gary said slowly. “I thought you’d appreciate it.”
“Well I don’t!”
“I see that,” Gary was still annoyingly mild-mannered. “Do you want me to tell her I was joking?”
“She won’t believe that, we all saw Raoul turn the same color as his uniform!” Jon said, still smiling.
“Shut up! All of you, just shut up and leave me alone!” Raoul yanked the dish out of a younger page’s hand and stalked out to his table. If the people he was serving noticed the flush in his cheeks, they didn’t say anything.
—
As he was heading back from serving dessert, he felt a hand on his arm. He turned quickly, still angry at his friends, and came face to face with Charles.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you,” Charles said. His voice was light and quiet, pulling Raoul in.
“No it’s…it’s fine…what are you…can I help you sir?” Raoul stammered over his words, fiddling with the tray.
“Your friend came over to our table earlier to say you fancy my sister,” Charles said.
I fancy you was the thought that popped into his mind and Raoul squashed it down. “I’m sorry about that,” was what came out of Raoul’s mouth.
“No it’s—well I’m sorry about this, but she didn’t want you to get your hopes up. But she’s actually interested in someone else.”
Relief flooded Raoul. The only thing worse than Gary spilling the beans would have been Magalene reciprocating interest, getting Raoul into a situation he couldn’t get out of.
He tried to look disappointed. “Oh. Well, that happens.”
Charles nodded. “Sorry again. But if your friend, the small one, if he’d ever like to ask Magalene on a walk, I’m sure she’d say yes.”
“The small one? You mean Francis?” Raoul asked.
“Yes, him. You know, if he wants.”
Raoul just nodded again.
“Thanks for understanding,” Charles said, and clapped Raoul on the shoulder. Raoul had to stop himself from shivering, but his heart started beating a mile a minute. He was sure Charles could hear it, so he bowed and murmured a quick goodbye and left as soon as he could.
He hurried through the clean-up, and begged off when Gary tried again to apologize. Jon, Alex and Francis tiptoed around him, not saying much, and Raoul left for his bedchamber as soon as he could.
“Page!” Raoul heard the barking voice from down the hall. He stopped in his tracks and looked around, hoping this angry voice was talking to any other page. No luck. It was just him in the hallway.
He turned. “Yes sir?” A middle aged man stood before him, looking a little worse for wear. Raoul could smell some mead on his breath and backed up just a little.
“A piece of advice, from me to you,” the man’s words were slurred a little, but his eyes were clear and cold. “Look at the pretty boys all you want, but make sure not to go any farther than that.”
Raoul felt his heart stop. “I—I don’t know what you mean sir.”
“Yes you do. You don’t have to admit it, but I know. It’s a lonely life, we learn to spot each other.”
Raoul felt sweat on his palms, his forehead. He wanted to run but he was rooted to the spot. The terror he felt at being spotted was abated a bit by the new knowledge that he wasn’t alone. There were others like him in the palace. And they weren’t the monstrous freaks people made them out to be.
He opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say, so he closed it again.
“I’m only telling you this because someone once told me,” the man said. “No one notices it but us now, but the older you get, the more obvious your unnatural leanings will become. It would benefit you to start changing your behavior now.”
Raoul nodded dumbly. “Does it ever—”
“Go away? No. But you get better at hiding it.” A woman called down the hallway and the man turned. “That’s my wife. You’ll probably have one too one day. It does help a little.” With that the man turned and was gone, leaving Raoul feeling more alone than ever before.
—
The man Raoul met in the hallway all those years ago was right about one thing. He’d learned to spot others like him. It had proved to be a life-saving skill, helping him meet others like him as friends and lovers. Sometimes, though, it broke his heart to see men or women in relationships they clearly didn’t want to be in, with the identical trapped, blank look in their eyes.
Raoul tried to take the pages out at least once a year with the Own, give them actual training in being a knight. Wyldon was interested in improving the page’s actual combat skills, and Raoul certainly enjoyed teaching.
There had been a hurrok sighting to the North, only an hour or so ride from the palace, so a squad of Third Company took the pages out to deal with it. On the ride up, Raoul had been too focused to notice the pages, giving them basic tasks and answering the braver ones questions. It had turned out there was a hurrok nesting near a small village, but they were able to drive it out. Free from worry, Raoul took the ride down to survey the pages, comparing notes with Wyldon about the strongest minds, most able fighters.
He wasn’t looking for it, but that didn’t stop him from noticing a slight blush creep onto a page’s face when his friend touched his arm. Raoul recognized the flustered response from the first boy, the playing it off, the put-on toughness that showed up right after.
“Lord Wyldon, do you mind if one or two boys came back to the Own stables to help us clean the mud out of all our tack?” It had been an extraordinarily muddy day and Raoul knew the standard bearers would appreciate the extra hands.
“Of course, anyone you have in mind?”
“Oh I don’t know, will it trouble you to lose those three?” Raoul gestured to a cluster that included the blushing page.
“Not at all. Cafferey! Linden! Teresian!” Lord Wyldon barked. The three turned in surprise. “Over here, you’re helping the Knight Commander with some cleaning.”
The boys looked incredibly proud as they stood before Wyldon and Raoul. Raoul had to hide a smile as they shot prideful glances back at their friends.
“Which of you is which?” he asked the boys.
“Engen of Rich Cafferey, my Lord,” said the tallest boy, the one who had inspired such nerves in his friend.
“Gerhart of Teresian,” said the other.
“Mayce of Linden,” the last said. That was the one Raoul wanted to talk to. Maybe.
“Alright, Engen, go with Qasim and help him with his squad, Gerhart, you’re with Flyn and Mayce, come with me,” Raoul said.
The boys trotted off. Flyn gruffly set Gerhart to a couple of horses, and Qasim allowed himself one eye roll at Raoul before showing Engen to his horses. Raoul didn’t take it seriously. Qasim didn’t always love working with the pages, but Raoul knew Qasim had noticed Mayce’s worry too, and he was sure Qasim wasn’t actually mad.
Mayce and Raoul worked in silence for awhile, but for Raoul pointing out tools, giving suggestions. As the boy got more comfortable, and some of the shine wore off, Raoul cleared his throat.
“How are you finding training?”
Mayce jumped a bit. “F—fine my Lord.”
“Good. Keeping up in your classes?”
“Yes my Lord. Except…”
Raoul could tell Mayce had realized it wouldn’t be good a idea to mention a deficiency to the Knight Commander, so he chimed in. “Etiquette? That was always my worst class. Or mathematics?”
Mayce smiled. “Mathematics my Lord.”
“Ah mathematics. The hardest class that’s also vital. You will improve with practice.”
Mayce nodded. “And I have friends who will help me.”
“That’s wonderful,” Raoul knew this was where he was supposed to bring up what he wanted to actually talk to Mayce about. Never got easier.
“And you’re…you’re getting along with friends then?” Idiot.
“Yes.” There was a hint of question in Mayce’s voice, which was understandable given Raoul’s ridiculous question.
“Well that’s good. Engen seems like he’s a great friend of yours.” Raoul spotted the telltale blush on Mayce’s cheeks, imagined the terror he probably felt at being spotted.
“I remember when I felt the same about one of my friends.”
“M—my Lord?”
“Of course, maybe I’m wrong. About you, I mean. What I mean is…no what I want to tell you is, however you feel or whatever you think about your friends, whatever you may or may not feel about ladies at court, it’s all ok. You don’t need to change anything about yourself. And it’s not unnatural or bad,” Raoul could feel himself rambling so he stopped.
“Wa—was I obvious?” Mayce’s small voice made Raoul want to hug him, but he didn’t. Wouldn’t be proper.
“Not to anyone else. Someone told me once that it can be a lonely life, but we get better at spotting each other.”
“We?”
“We.”
Mayce nodded. “Thank you, my Lord.”
“Of course. And if you ever need to talk, you’re free to find me. Or if you don’t want to talk to me, I can find many others in the castle who are happy to reassure young people they’re not sick or wrong for their feelings.”
“Many?!” Mayce squeaked.
“You’d be surprised. We’re only invisible if you’re not looking.”
Rating: PG-13 for some sexuality and homophobia.
Prompt: First Crush
Summary: Raoul's crush is obvious to someone, and he receives a warning that changes his life. (Title and some phrases taken from Bruce Springsteen's songs "You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)" and "I Wanna Marry You."
Better Not
Normally, Raoul hated the endless banquets they had to serve at. Not because he hated banquets, but because having to remember all the etiquette and serve people many courses was exhausting after a whole day of training.
That changed after he saw Charles. He was jumpy the next day, wondering if he would see Charles at that night’s banquet. He wanted to see him again, even though he wasn’t sure what he would do, if he would even do anything.
All his hopes and fears were confirmed when he first entered the banquet to serve and immediately saw Charles and Magalene at a table with an older man Raoul assumed was their father. He wasn’t serving their table tonight, which meant he didn’t drop anything right away. While the four people at his table were selecting the beginning course, he snuck a glance at Charles, who tonight was wearing a well-fitting tunic that showed off strong arms. Raoul blushed a little just thinking about it.
“Raoul,” Alex’s voice was light and teasing. “Your new lover is here.” The boys were picking up plates for the next course and Raoul stopped himself from tensing up.
“Shut up Alex,” he grumbled. Part of having crushes was pretending you didn’t actually like the person. Raoul knew how to play along.
“Oh, we all saw you blushing! Who knew our tough Raoul could blush?” Alex laughed.
“You know she’s single,” Jon said. “And not much older than us! I’m sure her father would love to meet you.”
“Jon if you weren’t the heir to the throne I’d threaten you with death.” The last thing Raoul needed was to come face to face with Charles, or Mithros forbid, his father.
“Move, move!” Master Oakbridge started shooing the boys out. “You all can swoon over ladies after the banquet!”
Raoul scurried out with the second course. When he turned around to return to the kitchen, he saw Gary presenting the dish of meat to Magalene. Gary’s mouth was moving, and his head jerked over towards Raoul.
That was that. He was going to have to kill Gary. Magalene looked over at Raoul and smiled a little. When she turned, Charles did too, and their eyes met again. Raoul felt his face go absolutely scarlet. Gary gave Raoul and evil grin and trotted back to the kitchen. Raoul stood there, a little dumbfounded, until Francis jostled him.
“You really are lovesick aren’t you?” Francis said as the boys went back.
“I guess,” Raoul mumbled.
“She’s pretty, I see why you like her.” Raoul just nodded, embarrassed and enraged. Even if he had liked Magalene as all his friends thought he did, he would have been embarrassed. He’d never do something like that to Gary, blab about his crushes to the object of his affections.
Raoul rarely lost his temper, but when he saw Gary he couldn’t help himself. He lunged at Gary, dropping his tray and pushing Gary. Hard.
“What were you thinking?! How would you like it if I told Lady Annel how you felt about her? You can’t just go around blabbing my business to everyone!” He knew he was yelling, but all the anger and stress that he’d been bottling up and come spilling out of him, and he wanted someone to pay.
All the mirth had gone out of Gary’s eyes, and he was giving Raoul the empty, calculating stare that was so typical of Gary.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would upset you this much,” Gary said slowly. “I thought you’d appreciate it.”
“Well I don’t!”
“I see that,” Gary was still annoyingly mild-mannered. “Do you want me to tell her I was joking?”
“She won’t believe that, we all saw Raoul turn the same color as his uniform!” Jon said, still smiling.
“Shut up! All of you, just shut up and leave me alone!” Raoul yanked the dish out of a younger page’s hand and stalked out to his table. If the people he was serving noticed the flush in his cheeks, they didn’t say anything.
—
As he was heading back from serving dessert, he felt a hand on his arm. He turned quickly, still angry at his friends, and came face to face with Charles.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you,” Charles said. His voice was light and quiet, pulling Raoul in.
“No it’s…it’s fine…what are you…can I help you sir?” Raoul stammered over his words, fiddling with the tray.
“Your friend came over to our table earlier to say you fancy my sister,” Charles said.
I fancy you was the thought that popped into his mind and Raoul squashed it down. “I’m sorry about that,” was what came out of Raoul’s mouth.
“No it’s—well I’m sorry about this, but she didn’t want you to get your hopes up. But she’s actually interested in someone else.”
Relief flooded Raoul. The only thing worse than Gary spilling the beans would have been Magalene reciprocating interest, getting Raoul into a situation he couldn’t get out of.
He tried to look disappointed. “Oh. Well, that happens.”
Charles nodded. “Sorry again. But if your friend, the small one, if he’d ever like to ask Magalene on a walk, I’m sure she’d say yes.”
“The small one? You mean Francis?” Raoul asked.
“Yes, him. You know, if he wants.”
Raoul just nodded again.
“Thanks for understanding,” Charles said, and clapped Raoul on the shoulder. Raoul had to stop himself from shivering, but his heart started beating a mile a minute. He was sure Charles could hear it, so he bowed and murmured a quick goodbye and left as soon as he could.
He hurried through the clean-up, and begged off when Gary tried again to apologize. Jon, Alex and Francis tiptoed around him, not saying much, and Raoul left for his bedchamber as soon as he could.
“Page!” Raoul heard the barking voice from down the hall. He stopped in his tracks and looked around, hoping this angry voice was talking to any other page. No luck. It was just him in the hallway.
He turned. “Yes sir?” A middle aged man stood before him, looking a little worse for wear. Raoul could smell some mead on his breath and backed up just a little.
“A piece of advice, from me to you,” the man’s words were slurred a little, but his eyes were clear and cold. “Look at the pretty boys all you want, but make sure not to go any farther than that.”
Raoul felt his heart stop. “I—I don’t know what you mean sir.”
“Yes you do. You don’t have to admit it, but I know. It’s a lonely life, we learn to spot each other.”
Raoul felt sweat on his palms, his forehead. He wanted to run but he was rooted to the spot. The terror he felt at being spotted was abated a bit by the new knowledge that he wasn’t alone. There were others like him in the palace. And they weren’t the monstrous freaks people made them out to be.
He opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say, so he closed it again.
“I’m only telling you this because someone once told me,” the man said. “No one notices it but us now, but the older you get, the more obvious your unnatural leanings will become. It would benefit you to start changing your behavior now.”
Raoul nodded dumbly. “Does it ever—”
“Go away? No. But you get better at hiding it.” A woman called down the hallway and the man turned. “That’s my wife. You’ll probably have one too one day. It does help a little.” With that the man turned and was gone, leaving Raoul feeling more alone than ever before.
—
The man Raoul met in the hallway all those years ago was right about one thing. He’d learned to spot others like him. It had proved to be a life-saving skill, helping him meet others like him as friends and lovers. Sometimes, though, it broke his heart to see men or women in relationships they clearly didn’t want to be in, with the identical trapped, blank look in their eyes.
Raoul tried to take the pages out at least once a year with the Own, give them actual training in being a knight. Wyldon was interested in improving the page’s actual combat skills, and Raoul certainly enjoyed teaching.
There had been a hurrok sighting to the North, only an hour or so ride from the palace, so a squad of Third Company took the pages out to deal with it. On the ride up, Raoul had been too focused to notice the pages, giving them basic tasks and answering the braver ones questions. It had turned out there was a hurrok nesting near a small village, but they were able to drive it out. Free from worry, Raoul took the ride down to survey the pages, comparing notes with Wyldon about the strongest minds, most able fighters.
He wasn’t looking for it, but that didn’t stop him from noticing a slight blush creep onto a page’s face when his friend touched his arm. Raoul recognized the flustered response from the first boy, the playing it off, the put-on toughness that showed up right after.
“Lord Wyldon, do you mind if one or two boys came back to the Own stables to help us clean the mud out of all our tack?” It had been an extraordinarily muddy day and Raoul knew the standard bearers would appreciate the extra hands.
“Of course, anyone you have in mind?”
“Oh I don’t know, will it trouble you to lose those three?” Raoul gestured to a cluster that included the blushing page.
“Not at all. Cafferey! Linden! Teresian!” Lord Wyldon barked. The three turned in surprise. “Over here, you’re helping the Knight Commander with some cleaning.”
The boys looked incredibly proud as they stood before Wyldon and Raoul. Raoul had to hide a smile as they shot prideful glances back at their friends.
“Which of you is which?” he asked the boys.
“Engen of Rich Cafferey, my Lord,” said the tallest boy, the one who had inspired such nerves in his friend.
“Gerhart of Teresian,” said the other.
“Mayce of Linden,” the last said. That was the one Raoul wanted to talk to. Maybe.
“Alright, Engen, go with Qasim and help him with his squad, Gerhart, you’re with Flyn and Mayce, come with me,” Raoul said.
The boys trotted off. Flyn gruffly set Gerhart to a couple of horses, and Qasim allowed himself one eye roll at Raoul before showing Engen to his horses. Raoul didn’t take it seriously. Qasim didn’t always love working with the pages, but Raoul knew Qasim had noticed Mayce’s worry too, and he was sure Qasim wasn’t actually mad.
Mayce and Raoul worked in silence for awhile, but for Raoul pointing out tools, giving suggestions. As the boy got more comfortable, and some of the shine wore off, Raoul cleared his throat.
“How are you finding training?”
Mayce jumped a bit. “F—fine my Lord.”
“Good. Keeping up in your classes?”
“Yes my Lord. Except…”
Raoul could tell Mayce had realized it wouldn’t be good a idea to mention a deficiency to the Knight Commander, so he chimed in. “Etiquette? That was always my worst class. Or mathematics?”
Mayce smiled. “Mathematics my Lord.”
“Ah mathematics. The hardest class that’s also vital. You will improve with practice.”
Mayce nodded. “And I have friends who will help me.”
“That’s wonderful,” Raoul knew this was where he was supposed to bring up what he wanted to actually talk to Mayce about. Never got easier.
“And you’re…you’re getting along with friends then?” Idiot.
“Yes.” There was a hint of question in Mayce’s voice, which was understandable given Raoul’s ridiculous question.
“Well that’s good. Engen seems like he’s a great friend of yours.” Raoul spotted the telltale blush on Mayce’s cheeks, imagined the terror he probably felt at being spotted.
“I remember when I felt the same about one of my friends.”
“M—my Lord?”
“Of course, maybe I’m wrong. About you, I mean. What I mean is…no what I want to tell you is, however you feel or whatever you think about your friends, whatever you may or may not feel about ladies at court, it’s all ok. You don’t need to change anything about yourself. And it’s not unnatural or bad,” Raoul could feel himself rambling so he stopped.
“Wa—was I obvious?” Mayce’s small voice made Raoul want to hug him, but he didn’t. Wouldn’t be proper.
“Not to anyone else. Someone told me once that it can be a lonely life, but we get better at spotting each other.”
“We?”
“We.”
Mayce nodded. “Thank you, my Lord.”
“Of course. And if you ever need to talk, you’re free to find me. Or if you don’t want to talk to me, I can find many others in the castle who are happy to reassure young people they’re not sick or wrong for their feelings.”
“Many?!” Mayce squeaked.
“You’d be surprised. We’re only invisible if you’re not looking.”
Maybe once we'd have seen it during Smackdown!