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Post by clairshadows on May 8, 2009 0:33:47 GMT 10
Title: Lightsbridge Rating: General Prompt: Switch Category: Up to 250 words Word count: 223 Summary: “I’m applying to Lightsbridge,” Briar said. Beta read by the wonderful Rojo and Opalgirl “I’m applying to Lightsbridge,” Briar said into the comfortable silence after everyone had finished their evening meal. The girls all looked at him with varying degrees of shock on their faces. Daja was the first to break the silence. “Why? You already have your mage credentials and you have a permanent stall in the market place and a good trade in shakkans.” “Is it to prove something?” Sandry asked, her blue eyes wide with concern. “You know everyone respects you.” “I could care less what the bleaters out there think of me,” Briar retorted. “I just want to learn, is all.” Sandry nodded like this made sense and nudged Daja. Together they gathered the tableware and took it into the kitchen. Tris’s eyes stayed firmly on Briar. “What’s your real reason?” “I…” Briar considered repeating ‘wanting to learn’ because it was true, but looking into the grey eyes of the girl who taught him how to read, who already knew his words for the truth, he changed his mind. “I need a goal. Something else to think about when the nightmares come.” The words were painful to say. “It won’t be easy,” Tris said, standing and pushing her chair in. “Who said I wanted it to be?” Briar replied, leaning lazily back in his chair and looking up at her with a smile.
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Imogen
Probationer Page
Posts: 100
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Post by Imogen on May 8, 2009 13:30:59 GMT 10
I like this. Hm. I'm trying to come up with better feedback.
I like that it starts out with the dynamic of all four of them together, and I like the Briar and Tris moment at the end--the relationship that they have. I got a lot of what they bring out in each other and their own individual characters in just the last few sentences. I don't think I'm explaining this very well... I like team!fic in Stargate Atlantis fandom and ensemble shows on tv for exactly the kind of thing you did here-- all the different permutations of people relating to one another: in the big group they belong to, and then in smaller groups, then one-on-one, etc. It's one of my favourite things.
'Briar said in the quiet of full bellies after their evening meal.' I think that this sentence could be better? It jarred me a little. I like the description you are going for, I see what you are after and it's nice, but the wording is not quite right for the effect you intended. Bellies aren't quiet-- I think you're missing a few words.
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Post by clairshadows on May 8, 2009 15:53:28 GMT 10
Stephen King once something to the effect of the best thing an aspiring writer can do to make their story better is cull their favourite line. I did this in 'The magic in the weaving' but not here. I was going for an image of that moment when you've eaten you're fill and you're just enjoying the moment not thinking or chatting about anything. I have a special love for team fics as well, and feel flattered that this worked as such for you. Thankyou for the constructive feedback Note to mods: I've editing that line if this isn't allowed please let me know.
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Post by Katty on May 12, 2009 23:46:03 GMT 10
Ahh wow, I love this! You manage to capture all of the four in so few words! Beautifully done
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Post by clairshadows on May 13, 2009 8:23:42 GMT 10
Thank you.
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Post by Lisa on May 17, 2009 15:38:13 GMT 10
I like the switch - not only is it unexpected, but you've given it REASON.
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Post by clairshadows on May 17, 2009 23:51:44 GMT 10
Reason's are very important I had a lot of trouble with this story to get it under the word limit. I think I almost halved it. Originally it was more evenly balanced as a story about Tris as much as Briar. I'm still not sure which version I prefer. Though I am glad everything I wanted to come across has. Thankyou for your feedback
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