Post by Minuit on Jun 26, 2010 21:53:43 GMT 10
Miss R A Oul
by lilacmage, Lisa, rainstormamaya and Rosie
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
We are all madly in love with a certain lady knight, and keep telling her so, but she shows no special favour to any of us. First she’s flirting with one of us, then another, then she backs off totally and turns cold. Normally we would fight duels and vie for her hand, but we’re too confused- at one time or another she’s rejected all of us. Is there something wrong with us?
Please help,
One Knight Stands.
Dear One Knight Stands,
She obviously doesn’t want to disappoint any of you. May I suggest a rota?
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
I’m engaged to a nice Yamani boy from a good family, but his mother is appalling. She’s a real dragon and treats all her family badly, but I get the worst of it - I haven’t even married him yet, and you’d think I was her slave! I appreciate that this is the societal norm, but her treatment’s just a bit extreme and the prospect of living with her forever makes me feel like disembowelling her. What can I do to soften her up?
In need of guidance,
I Want To Break Free.
Dear I Want To Break Free,
You can’t change her. Don’t try. My great-aunt... Never mind.
Anyway, I really think the answer to your problems is a nice new marriage, a very long way from Lady Disdain. You seem well-born, and there are a number of pleasant foreign princes on the market at the moment; I recommend Prince Roald of Conté. He’s the Crown Prince, has nice manners, and isn’t bad looking. Also, his mother is easygoing compared to the evil hag you describe.
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
My guardian has a teddy bear of whom he is very fond (maybe you’ve heard of Lord Theodore? Yes, the Lord Theodore) but this bear has gone missing, leaving behind a ‘Dear Jon’ letter, and my guardian’s distraught. What can I do to make him stop wailing that his life is ruined? Please reply as soon as possible. Yesterday he started writing sonnets.
Yours in perturbation,
Accompanied Minor.
Dear Accompanied Minor,
This is a very difficult case. Your guardian will be a tricky one; he’s always been a melodramatic pain in the backside, naming no names. You’ll need to bring him to understand, somehow, that Lord Theodore is a free spirit and cannot be tied down. This will naturally be upsetting, but time is a wonderful healer, and he’ll be better off in the long run.
Miss R A Oul.
P.S. If Lord Theodore comes back can you get him my autograph?
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
I'm afraid that my breasts are too small. I have never worried about this before, but now that I am fully grown and have a crush on a certain handsome sergeant I can't seem to stop worrying about the size of my breasts.
Confused and Flustered.
Dear Confused and Flustered,
My dear, I'm sure it's all in your head. Haven't I recently heard of your maid having to replace your harness yet again due to your growing breasts. Besides, I have glimpsed a look at your melons many a time through your open drapes and they seem just fine to me.
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
You must help me; I think I am pregnant! I have been feeling queasy and vomiting constantly this past week. I don't know what to do. Please help me!
In Need of a Healer.
Dear In Need of a Healer,
Shouldn't you be protecting the boarder instead of drinking, Wolset?
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
I am afraid I have a slight bedwetting problem. It started when I was a young child, and although my mother was certain I would grow out of it, it is still a problem. Fortunately, I do not think anyone but my wife knows of it yet, but I would still like your opinion on what to do about this matter.
Little Problem.
Dear Little Problem,
I truly have no idea what you should do about this, but I am sure that your bedwetting problems are probably the result of a catastrophic experience in your childhood. Most probably of dating Delia.
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul
I've found myself in an unfortunate predicament: after years of studying with my best friend, I grew rather attached to him. After confessing my feelings, he got a bit angry and now I'm running for my life. (His temper is infamous.) What advice can you give?
Sincerely,
Love on the Run
Dear Love on the Run,
I was once in your position. Let me tell you, it didn't matter how many other men I surrounded myself with, or what jobs I applied for to take me away from him. I found nothing compared to him, and that I couldn't live if living was without him.
Of course, there's a lot to be said for absence making the heart grow fonder, so take a holiday. He'll be on his knees, begging you to come back in no time, I'm sure.
Regarding his infamous temper, I think he'll be most amenable if he thinks you acted independently, entirely without outside help. Good luck to you lovebirds!
Miss R A Oul.
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Miss R A Oul,
I was elevated to a position of great power and responsibility years ago, which was immediately questioned by older and less wise nobles. Since that time, there has been a movement (led by a nefarious lord) to oust me, and even my father seems to approve!
What would you recommend, to keep this lord from usurping my position?
- Almost a Young Duke.
Almost a Young Duke,
How powerful are you? I recommend cutting this movement off at the source. It would be extremely convenient if you could confine this nefarious lord to some backward country fief, possibly by arranging a coup so that he has to be assigned to keep an eye on them. Complicated but ultimately highly rewarding!
Perhaps in return, you might show your appreciation by bequeathing a more comfortable seat upon me, especially given the length of time I had to spend in my current one attempting to decipher your handwriting. Whatever your position is, I hope it comes with scribes to write out your instructions so others don't suffer as I have.
Kind Regards (despite my discomfort),
Miss R A Oul
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
I'm a foster kid. (A kid, in case you didn't know, is what street-people call their children.) And I live with three foster siblings: girls! They're all over the place, meddling with my affairs and fixing my clothes and correcting my grammar. What should I do to get away from this?
Thanks,
Smothered.
Dear Smothered,
Luckily for you, I have spent years perfecting the art of hiding from womenfolk. Your affairs cannot be meddled with, clothes cannot be fixed, and grammar cannot be corrected if you cannot be found.
It's curtains for you, my dear young goat. I find curtains the most reliable method of concealment; certainly nobody has managed to find me when I haven't wanted to be found!
Good luck and best wishes,
Miss R A Oul.
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Dear Miss R A Oul,
I come from a long line of successful usurpers, so coming to Tortall was a delight! I met a fellow who clearly needs my assistance (having been very unlucky and gotten himself killed in his first attempt) but he will have none of it. He won't even share his plans with me! What can I do to make him recognise my expertise?
Unappreciated in her own time.
Unappreciated in her own time,
Clearly you have an axe to grind with this man. Maybe it's time for you to take matters into your own hands, and show him what you're capable of doing. If he still doesn't take you up on your kind offer, perhaps it's best to cut your losses. After all, you don't want to get dragged down to his level, particularly not with his unfortunate background of dying on his co-conspirators.
Miss R A Oul.