Post by wordy on Mar 4, 2010 7:10:43 GMT 10
Keladry of Mindelan's Top Ten Tips
For Finding True Love
by Katty
I’ve seen plenty of people fall in love over the years – often with me. Honestly, they’re always duelling and jousting and killing each other over me. It gets a little old after a few rounds! Despite this, I’ve decided to impart some advice upon the loveless readers of Giantkiller! I give you – my Top Ten Tips For Finding True Love!
1. Decide what qualities you want in your ideal mate, and don’t settle for anything less. If you want a knight who can sew, dress in curtains and pound you with his lance, then you set yourself that goal and go find him!
2. True love is shallow, so you have to make sure you look your best at all times. It doesn’t matter if you’re relaxing at Court or hunting bandits – make sure to set yourself an elaborate beauty routine and stick to it! Trust me, those men who complain about the time it takes you to get ready are secretly thankful that you look so sleek and radiant while chasing criminals!
3. Ensure you go to pick-up spots that reflect the type of partner you’re trying to attract. If you want a Palace Clerk, hide in the ink store cupboards. If you want a Knight, hang around the Chamber of Ordeal (seriously, they’re always just *falling* out of it!).
4. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. If the guy or girl you’re interested in just happens to have lived 200 year ago, find a mage who specialises in time-travel and get your behind straight there! Who cares if you make the universe implode - isn’t true love worth distorting the time-space continuum for?
5. Three words: Bend and Snap! You’ll have any man or woman eating out of your hand in moments. If you need some help on delivery, don’t be afraid to ask King Jonathan.
6. Don’t underestimate the power of animals when it comes to pulling – surround yourself with useful animals who can double as matchmakers! Sparrows are great for scouting potential talent. Dogs are great for randomly “stealing” things (like sausages) and leading love interests straight to you. Horses are great for helping you keep both former and future love interests at bay.
7. The animal thing is a hundred times better when you use immortals. I know people said my baby griffin was unlucky, but I got hit on by more men and women than you could poke a stick at while I was caring for it! I’m not sure whether it was the alluring scent of mystery or the small fortune of griffin feathers I possessed, but it worked! Even the Lioness wasn’t immune. I’m considering using Tkaa to pick up next... maybe he’ll let me rub his belly or something?
8. If you really want to get someone’s attention, punch them in the face. Sure, you might need some flimsy excuse (try something along the lines of a war against hazing – it worked for me), and there’s the punishment involved, and Wyldon of Cavall might get a bit jealous, but no pain no gain right? Trust me, I never would have gotten Joren or Zahir to ask me out without my clever tactics.
9. If you’re feeling creative, stage an elaborate writing tournament. Try not to be prejudiced against entrants – just because someone is evil and/or dead and/or immortal doesn’t mean they aren’t your true love. Love conquerors all barriers, right? Or was that Carthaki mages...
10. If all else fails, just remember: threesomes are the new black. Why not save yourself the drama and just join an established couple? (coughRaoulandBuricough)
