Post by wordy on Mar 4, 2010 7:08:16 GMT 10
Letters to Miss R A Oul
by Lisa and Rosie
Dear Ms. R A Oul,
I was placed upon my throne by a very eager goddess, and I’m incredibly grateful. However, she always makes lewd comments about how I look, and has even suggested that she bear my demi-god of a child. I appreciate her attentions, but I’m more than a little creeped out. And my (incredibly hot, incredibly stubborn) wife would like me to ask this goddess to leave me alone. What should I do?
Respectfully,
Plagued by the Hag
Dear Plagued by the Hag,
May I suggest a little match-making? I'm sure if you offer up an aesthetically-pleasing alternative, you will be able to please your goddess and your woman in one fell swoop.
Finding an alternative should be relatively simple; what man wouldn't want to sacrifice himself for his ruler?
All the best!
Miss R A Oul.
P.S. This isn't you again, Jon, is it? I'm not offering myself as a sacrifice, just so we're clear. You can deal with Alanna yourself.
***
Dear Miss R A Oul,
I’ve been sweet on a girl for a long time, but our paths in life contradict one another. I’m a bit of a rascal while she could be called something of a goody-two-shoes, always siding with the law because it’s her job. How can I seal the deal?
- The Piping Hot Thief King
Dear The Piping Hot Thief King,
Perhaps you should consider using your respective paths in life to your advantage. I suggest letting her catch you in the act, as it were, and am sure that in no time at all, you will have stolen her heart away.
As a side note, I have heard the King grants land to Rogue kings who forgo their past. Tell him I sent you.
Good luck!
Miss R A Oul.
***
Miss R A Oul –
I’ve been an incredibly talented mage my whole life, and recently have begun training with other people in my field. And my teacher keeps ignoring me so she can gush over the other two – and they’re girls! What can I do to regain the head shaman’s attention?
Yours,
Flame in the Desert
Flame in the Desert,
If you can't beat 'em, leave 'em, is my motto. Give up the ghost, and seek your fortune elsewhere.
Incidentally, on a completely different matter, I hear the Third Company of the King's Own are looking for a new mage. But that's neither here nor there.
love,
Miss R A Oul.
***
Dear Miss R A Oul:
We’ve been having a spot of trouble with some new students in my school; there’s been an outbreak of fights, theft, strange weather and willfulness that have all been linked to four children. What would you recommend doing to bring tranquility back to my world?
Eagerly awaiting your advice,
Circle Headmistress
Dear Headmistress,
I'll give you the advice my parents took when I was younger. Page training. Absolutely fail-safe, guaranteed to give you total peace and tranquility. As a bonus, these days you can't be too old or too female for it.
Enjoy your quiet time again!
Miss R A Oul.
***
Miss R A Oul,
Fourteen years ago the king assigned a knight-protector to watch over me. I am now twenty-four years old and perfectly able to run my fief and protect myself. However, my knight-protector won’t leave. Every time the subject is brought up he changes it, or makes a joke, or clings to his teddy bear. What is a girl to do to get some independence?
- Queen of Opals
Dear Queen of Opals,
Instead of writing in, complaining to poor advice columnists, you should be sending gifts to Mithros and the Goddess for bringing you such a wonderful Knight-Protector, a true representative of his realm. You certainly should not entertain thoughts of his leaving, and should not try to accelerate this! Remember, most people don't know what they have till it has gone. Keep this valiant man by your side at all times. Independence is overrated.
Yours in gratitude,
Miss R A Oul.
P.S. That was a dirty trick you pulled, sending him to Corus over Midwinter. I've got my eye on you.
***
Dear Miss R A Oul –
I’ve accrued quite a bit of debt in order to maintain my luxurious life as a duchess, and the only way I can think to pay is by collecting my husband’s life insurance. I know that we vowed to be together forever, but I didn’t except forever to be quite this long!! Is there any way I can work around this?
Indebted to you for a response,
Desperate and Destitute
Dear Desperate and Destitute,
I consider myself to be a fashionable woman, though trends in Court don't always follow the patterns I set. Recently, I have noticed that it appears to be popular to seek solace in the arms of somebody new, after having had a loved spouse take a fatal tumble off a cliff.
I leave these thoughts to you, but suggest that you handsomely compensate anybody who has offered you advice in your time of need.
Regards,
Miss R A Oul,
Helpful Columnist.