Post by Katty on May 26, 2009 23:33:37 GMT 10
Ten Tips for Surviving Overly-Ambitious Relatives
By Jonathan of Conte
We all have overly-ambitious relatives – you know, the ones at family dinners who slobber with excitement the moment the P word is used (not Pavlova, you idiots, Power). If you’re royalty, like me, then you probably have a disproportionate number of loonies running around your attic, plotting to kill you. As someone who has survived numerous attempts by my nearest-and-dearest to knock me off, I give you the following: my top ten tips for surviving overly-ambitious relatives.
1. Befriend the chosen vassal of a powerful god or goddess. Consider investing time and money in their training. That way you always have someone to save your ass when your unfailing charm and good looks fail you.
2. If said chosen vassal warns you that one of your relatives appears to be showing signs of being overly-ambitious, heed their warning. Dismissing their concerns and making out with them is not an appropriate course of action.
3. Take care not to be distracted by large sparkly jewels while in the presence of your overly-ambitious relative. Even...if...they...are...SHINY!!!!
4. If your overly-ambitious relative challenges you to go on a mission that involves immortal demons or enemy territory, always take a friend. The aforementioned chosen vassal is always a good choice. So are supernatural felines.
5. Keep a close eye on imports. Make sure you flag large purchases of wax and Carthaki war-mages as suspicious. They may or may not be a sign your overly-ambitious relative is plotting against you.
6. Be suspicious of any sudden onsets of incurable and most-likely fatal illnesses. They are usually a sign of your overly-ambitious relative’s plan to kill you and steal the throne for themself. They may also be a result of the poor reproductive health of the young female your overly-ambitious relative attempts to distract you with.
7. It is not a good idea to let your overly-ambitious relative reside in a fortified Fiefdom in the far north. This is particularly true if they insist on maintaining close links with enemy monarchs and powerful immortals.
8. Keep a close eye on the inner circle of your overly-ambitious relative. These minions may unwittingly reveal whether your overly-ambitious relative is planning to make a move against you. Beware in particular of sorcerers who can raise the dead; you may quickly find yourself with an infestation of overly-ambitious zombie relatives.
9. It is always a good idea to seek out and destroy any items created by your overly-ambitious relative during their lifetime. Swords, wizards rods and prophylactics come to mind. This will prevent them being of any aid to your overly-ambitious relative should they attempt to take over your kingdom.
10. If one of your overly-ambitious relatives happens to be killed, the best burial option would be cremation. That way if they choose to resurrect themselves, it will only be as a harmless, if somewhat annoying, pile of dust.
Hopefully, you will be able to take my advice and apply it in your own realms, and enjoy the longevity and happiness I have.
Note to self: Keep a close eye on the children.