Post by Katty on May 28, 2009 20:41:49 GMT 10
Letters to Miss R A Oul
1.
Dear Miss R. A. Oul,
There is a boy in the palace who I am desperately in love with. The problem is, whenever I try to get his attention, by making him muck out my horse's stall, or pushing him in water, he pushes me further away. I even tried breaking his arm to get close to him, but it didn’t work, and I’m not sure why!
What should I do?
- R. of Malven
Dear R. of Malven,
I think your problem is more to do with atmosphere rather than your approach – you need to try to get his attention in a more romantic setting. Next time you break his arm, set the mood beforehand with some candles and flower petals. You might just be surprised where it takes you!
-Miss R. A. Oul
2.
Dear Miss R. A. Oul,
After several failed relationships and being forced to live in my mother's shadow, I ran away from home. I was kidnapped, sold as a slave, joined a rebellion, and overthrew a ruling house. During this turbulant time, I feel in love with a crow, and we uh, mated... now I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do!
What if I lay eggs? What if my children are baked into a pie?!
- Spicy Spymaster
Dear Spicy Spymaster
Wow, aren't you a handful. I bet your mother was very promiscuous, and not a moral, upstanding woman such as myself. Theres nothing you can do about your breeding now, except try to better yourself. Mating with a crow is a good start, though may I suggest next time you consider a human?
If you do lay eggs, may I suggest you make them into an omlette with some cheese and a bit of chives? Its a delicious combination, especially when served fresh on toast. Pies also taste good!
Best of luck!
- Miss R. A. Oul
3.
Dear Miss R A Oul
Everyone seems to have forgotten my name. They just describe me by my rank and looks. I know I'm handsome and charming, but there is so much more to me. Like....well you know what I mean. I have a name, and it's pretty. How can I get people to use it?
A Certain Blue-Eyed Sergeant
Dear A Certain Blue-Eyed Sergeant,
Perhaps you should consider investing in a personality. Apparently, they're not all that hard to get. Refrain from mimicing siblings or popular cousins, as that will only backfire. Don't just stand in the background while exciting things happen and hand out sausage rolls. Find your own thing. Try learning to knit, sew or tat lace. Get a catch phrase - I hear it worked well for Wyldon's new son-in-law (what's-his-name, you know, the 'jolly' one). Maybe consider contact lenses, to fool people. If all else fails, marrying a lady knight is a quick-fix solution.
- Miss R A Oul
4.
Dear Miss R A Oul,
I need some help. My self control is waning. The more time I spend in Corus, the more I notice how deliciously bendy the squires here are. They're all flexible, and manly, and sexy.... *drool* But they always spurn my advances! Especially the hot little redhead. Should I keep trying to resist, or just go with the flow?
Also, I'm having trouble importing my favourite sparkly pants from Carthak. What should I do? I'd rather go naked than wear NORMAL pants
- Duke of Addiction
Dear Duke of Addiction,
Your predicament is one I've found myself faced with time and time again. I reccommend getting a squire, and swapping them around with your friends. This regular rotation ensures their bendiness doesn't wear out (if they are too stiff by the time they reach their Ordeal they will probably die).
Regarding your pants, I don't think you should settle for boring, plain pants! Forego your pants in protest of slow imports and high tarrifs, and cover your legs with glitter. That way you'll get the best of both worlds, and look sexy while making an important political statement!
- Miss R A Oul
5.
Dear Miss R. A. Oul,
Everyone is in love with me, and I don’t know what to do!
- Handsome and Kingly
Shut up Jon.