AJ R1: Apples to Oranges, PG-13 (5)
Apr 11, 2013 16:53:20 GMT 10
ubiquitous, Vala, and 1 more like this
Post by Griff on Apr 11, 2013 16:53:20 GMT 10
Title: Apples to Oranges
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1035
Pairing: Alanna/Jonathan
Round/Fight: 1/A
Summary: The King, Prime Minister, and Commander of the Own compare apples to oranges
Warning: Implied past sexual encounters
-
“Absolutely not,” Raoul snapped. He snatched the plate of honeyed wafers out from under Gary’s nose and hoarded them safely away from the Prime Minister’s foul mouth. “I will not participate. You,” He pointed at Jonathan with narrowed eyes, “will not participate. No one is participating.”
“Oh, come now.” Gary rolled his eyes and reach across the table for another cookie, sighing dramatically when Raoul smacked his hand back and pulled the plate closer into his lap. “Where’s the harm?”
“She was my squire! I am not letting the pair of you debate her... assets! As if she were a horse at market.” The Lord of Goldenlake pinked, “It’s just not appropriate.”
“Alanna was my squire and I don’t mind,” Jon offered reasonably, sneaking a cookie under Raoul’s arm while the commander continued to glare daggers at their friend. “And, as the voice of practical experience on Alanna’s ‘assets’, I must say, I believe young Keladry has her beat.”
“She does not!” Raoul objected, a vision of outrage. “You’re obscene, both of you! Talking about a little girl like this.”
Gary quirked an incredulous eyebrow while Jon bit back a smile, “I’ll be sure to tell her you said that. I’m sure a young woman of - How old is she now, Gary? Twenty?”
“Twenty-one, I believe.”
“Yes, I’m sure a young woman of twenty-one will be absolutely thrilled to hear her old knight master thinks of her so small and helpless.” Jon took another pleased bite of his cookie.
Raoul seethed at him. “I can snap you like a twig, don’t think I can’t.”
“And Alanna will skewer you in revenge, leaving me the only voice to answer the enduring question of ‘Which lady knight has better breasts?’. A tragedy.” Gary looked around the study and complained, “Where is that flagon?”
“By the window, you know I find pear juice foul when it’s warm,” Jon pointed towards his cracked shutters. “And I don’t like this idea. I don’t trust you to make an informed decision. You’ve been biased towards Alanna’s breasts ever since you figured out she had them.”
“Slightly before, I’d wager, with the way you moped around after Jon beat you to squire,” Raoul chuckled before he caught himself. “Not that it matters in the least because we’re not talking about this.”
“I think I’m the only truly unbiased voice,” Gary countered, pouring himself a glass of juice and looking at it longingly, as if it would turn to wine by sheer force of will. “After all, both of you have been knightmasters. In Jon’s case, he’s entirely too familiar and it makes him look for greener pastures. In Raoul’s, it makes him pretend the pastures don’t exist at all.” He tipped his glass at them both. Then, he added while he sipped, “Though, I think Jon’s just bitter that she tossed him over and broke his little royal heart. Alanna’s breasts are quite magnificent, now that she’s allowed to show them off.”
Raoul did nod his head grudgingly, “And after three kids, to boot. Still pert.”
“It’s Alanna,” Jon rolled his eyes, “of course they’re still pert. It’s her very definition.”
“See?” Gary nodded, “bitter. I told you his judgement can’t be trusted. Not that it wasn’t obvious from the start.”
“Wait,” Raoul turned on him. “What do you mean ‘obvious from the start’? Are you saying Kel’s not pretty enough for Jon to like her better? I’ll have you know she is a very attractive young woman!”
“Of course she is, it wouldn’t be a question if she wasn’t at least debatably attractive -”
“Debatably! Marry you off to a pretty girl with big green eyes and now lovely girls who decided there are better things to do than dancing don’t measure up, huh? What, she need to curl her hair before every battle, that what you’re saying?”
Gary held his hands up in defense, “I’m merely saying that against Alanna’s melons, Mindelan’s apples just aren’t as satisfying.”
“That’s a bit of an over-statement,” Jon scoffed, using Raoul’s distraction as an opening to steal more biscuits. “They’re really more oranges than melons. And some of us rather prefer apples, either way.”
Raoul rounded on him, yanking the plate away and holding it hostage high over head. “I find you eying her apples and I’m telling Alanna what you said about her oranges, are we clear?”
Jon narrowed his eyes, “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Wouldn’t I?”
Jon ground his teeth before capitulating, “Fine.”
“Well, I’m still telling Alanna what you said about her oranges,” Gary snubbed. “I think she has a right to know what sort of slander you’re spreading about. It’s been decades, Jon. You should be over it by now.”
Rolling his eyes, Jon slouched back in his chair and groused, “This is not about her breaking off our engagement, Gary!”
“It certainly isn’t,” his cousin agreed. “To break off an engagement, one has to agree to it in the first place.”
Raoul nodded and shared the plate, “That is a fair point. She never did say ‘yes’.”
“And for someone who claims he doesn’t miss her oranges, you certainly picked the largest baskets i’ve ever seen to fondle while you licked your wounds,” Gary pointed out. “Josiane was out of her gourd, but I think we can all agree that she, well...” he held his hands to his chest suggestively, raising his eyebrows for good measure.
“It was obvious,” Raoul admitted. “Not that we could blame you for missing them. I mean, we all saw her oranges during her dual with Roger.”
“I hate you both,” Jon decided suddenly. “I hate you both and I’m having you killed at dawn. I’ll put Mindelan in charge of the Own and make Alanna my new Prime Minister, and I’ll stare at all the apples and oranges I want all day while you rot.”
“See?” Gary handed over the flagon of juice in exchange for the cookie tray. “I told you Jon still had eyes for Alanna’s breasts.”
“Fine,” Raoul agreed, “You win. I just don’t understand why you had to drag Keladry into it.”
Shoving another cookie into his mouth, Gary stated obviously, “because she really does have fantastic apples.”
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1035
Pairing: Alanna/Jonathan
Round/Fight: 1/A
Summary: The King, Prime Minister, and Commander of the Own compare apples to oranges
Warning: Implied past sexual encounters
-
“Absolutely not,” Raoul snapped. He snatched the plate of honeyed wafers out from under Gary’s nose and hoarded them safely away from the Prime Minister’s foul mouth. “I will not participate. You,” He pointed at Jonathan with narrowed eyes, “will not participate. No one is participating.”
“Oh, come now.” Gary rolled his eyes and reach across the table for another cookie, sighing dramatically when Raoul smacked his hand back and pulled the plate closer into his lap. “Where’s the harm?”
“She was my squire! I am not letting the pair of you debate her... assets! As if she were a horse at market.” The Lord of Goldenlake pinked, “It’s just not appropriate.”
“Alanna was my squire and I don’t mind,” Jon offered reasonably, sneaking a cookie under Raoul’s arm while the commander continued to glare daggers at their friend. “And, as the voice of practical experience on Alanna’s ‘assets’, I must say, I believe young Keladry has her beat.”
“She does not!” Raoul objected, a vision of outrage. “You’re obscene, both of you! Talking about a little girl like this.”
Gary quirked an incredulous eyebrow while Jon bit back a smile, “I’ll be sure to tell her you said that. I’m sure a young woman of - How old is she now, Gary? Twenty?”
“Twenty-one, I believe.”
“Yes, I’m sure a young woman of twenty-one will be absolutely thrilled to hear her old knight master thinks of her so small and helpless.” Jon took another pleased bite of his cookie.
Raoul seethed at him. “I can snap you like a twig, don’t think I can’t.”
“And Alanna will skewer you in revenge, leaving me the only voice to answer the enduring question of ‘Which lady knight has better breasts?’. A tragedy.” Gary looked around the study and complained, “Where is that flagon?”
“By the window, you know I find pear juice foul when it’s warm,” Jon pointed towards his cracked shutters. “And I don’t like this idea. I don’t trust you to make an informed decision. You’ve been biased towards Alanna’s breasts ever since you figured out she had them.”
“Slightly before, I’d wager, with the way you moped around after Jon beat you to squire,” Raoul chuckled before he caught himself. “Not that it matters in the least because we’re not talking about this.”
“I think I’m the only truly unbiased voice,” Gary countered, pouring himself a glass of juice and looking at it longingly, as if it would turn to wine by sheer force of will. “After all, both of you have been knightmasters. In Jon’s case, he’s entirely too familiar and it makes him look for greener pastures. In Raoul’s, it makes him pretend the pastures don’t exist at all.” He tipped his glass at them both. Then, he added while he sipped, “Though, I think Jon’s just bitter that she tossed him over and broke his little royal heart. Alanna’s breasts are quite magnificent, now that she’s allowed to show them off.”
Raoul did nod his head grudgingly, “And after three kids, to boot. Still pert.”
“It’s Alanna,” Jon rolled his eyes, “of course they’re still pert. It’s her very definition.”
“See?” Gary nodded, “bitter. I told you his judgement can’t be trusted. Not that it wasn’t obvious from the start.”
“Wait,” Raoul turned on him. “What do you mean ‘obvious from the start’? Are you saying Kel’s not pretty enough for Jon to like her better? I’ll have you know she is a very attractive young woman!”
“Of course she is, it wouldn’t be a question if she wasn’t at least debatably attractive -”
“Debatably! Marry you off to a pretty girl with big green eyes and now lovely girls who decided there are better things to do than dancing don’t measure up, huh? What, she need to curl her hair before every battle, that what you’re saying?”
Gary held his hands up in defense, “I’m merely saying that against Alanna’s melons, Mindelan’s apples just aren’t as satisfying.”
“That’s a bit of an over-statement,” Jon scoffed, using Raoul’s distraction as an opening to steal more biscuits. “They’re really more oranges than melons. And some of us rather prefer apples, either way.”
Raoul rounded on him, yanking the plate away and holding it hostage high over head. “I find you eying her apples and I’m telling Alanna what you said about her oranges, are we clear?”
Jon narrowed his eyes, “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Wouldn’t I?”
Jon ground his teeth before capitulating, “Fine.”
“Well, I’m still telling Alanna what you said about her oranges,” Gary snubbed. “I think she has a right to know what sort of slander you’re spreading about. It’s been decades, Jon. You should be over it by now.”
Rolling his eyes, Jon slouched back in his chair and groused, “This is not about her breaking off our engagement, Gary!”
“It certainly isn’t,” his cousin agreed. “To break off an engagement, one has to agree to it in the first place.”
Raoul nodded and shared the plate, “That is a fair point. She never did say ‘yes’.”
“And for someone who claims he doesn’t miss her oranges, you certainly picked the largest baskets i’ve ever seen to fondle while you licked your wounds,” Gary pointed out. “Josiane was out of her gourd, but I think we can all agree that she, well...” he held his hands to his chest suggestively, raising his eyebrows for good measure.
“It was obvious,” Raoul admitted. “Not that we could blame you for missing them. I mean, we all saw her oranges during her dual with Roger.”
“I hate you both,” Jon decided suddenly. “I hate you both and I’m having you killed at dawn. I’ll put Mindelan in charge of the Own and make Alanna my new Prime Minister, and I’ll stare at all the apples and oranges I want all day while you rot.”
“See?” Gary handed over the flagon of juice in exchange for the cookie tray. “I told you Jon still had eyes for Alanna’s breasts.”
“Fine,” Raoul agreed, “You win. I just don’t understand why you had to drag Keladry into it.”
Shoving another cookie into his mouth, Gary stated obviously, “because she really does have fantastic apples.”