Griff
Knight
Deputy Mischief Maker
Posts: 2,156
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Post by Griff on Dec 3, 2011 15:32:25 GMT 10
To: PeroxidePirate Message: With lots of love, kisses, and hijink, for my Darling. From: Grifftastical Title: Lessons in Secrecy Rating: PG-13 Wishlist Item: #2 - Neal and Alanna during the Neal's squire years. Summary: Alanna and Neal have their own way of communicating. WARNING: Contains large images! THere are five, even though four is short. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The END.
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Elsceetaria
Knight
May or May Not be a Little Teapot
Prone to brain fail. Pres CRTL + ALT + DEL to restart.
Posts: 2,281
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Post by Elsceetaria on Dec 3, 2011 15:54:39 GMT 10
lol I started laughing at the beginning and didn't stop. I loved the bendy squire part and the comments and the drawing and the whole thing. It was amazing. And George is the grown-up in the end. This is just amazing. It really really is the essence of amazingness.
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Post by PeroxidePirate on Dec 3, 2011 16:05:14 GMT 10
Ooooooooh, I don't have the words for how much I love this! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Everything from the fonts to Neal's overblown magic to George's involvement is just perfect! I am cackling with delight. This is such a fantastic present! Griff I'd say I love you for this, but you know I love you already, but *somehow* this makes me love you MORE.
I have to read it again now.
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Post by Rosie on Dec 3, 2011 19:13:47 GMT 10
This is total genius! #4 was my favourite, but my, George wrapped it all up beautifully.
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Post by PeroxidePirate on Dec 4, 2011 3:58:28 GMT 10
Since the fic above is in .jpeg format, have a transcription! Copied out with permission, for benefit of anyone who can't access large image files. "Neal and Alanna during Neal's squiredom" is one of those fandom holy grail things, and everyone should be able to enjoy this! Griff, once again, thank you!
I.
I, Nealan of Queenscove,
Being of assaulted mental well-being tumbling swiftly toward madness caused by my knight master as she bludgeons my mind, body and spirit, have decided to make use of the locking charms instilled in me by my paranoid research professors at University by lodging formal complaints against the she-devil in this scrappy and rather pathetic journal for which I was unjustly over-charged by the Wilderstone village headman.
This written account of my psychological degradation is an act of final desperation so that those who consider me fondly (Kel. My father. Kel's dog. Maybe the sparrows.) will understand what drove me to the edge of the abyss and led to my messy murderous failure at the hands of the King's Champion and lioness of Tortall -- one Alanna of (is she still of Trebond? No one ever gives me a decent answer) Trebond, Olau, and Pirate's Swoop. When my body is surrender to the Flames of the Betrayers and my ashes spread across the desert to be forgotten in shame, know that the destruction of my humanity was not my own. Take this journal as evidence of my suffer suffering so that those who will speak ill of the dead (the Stump. Professor Golderwick. Peachblossom.) will not be the sole voice of judgement. Also, on the off chance (unlikely as that may be) I actually catch the mangy old viper unawares and slaughter her mercilessly I will endeavor to leave this account as evidence that my actions are defensible and, in fact, entirely justified.
Also, if I die before insanity strikes my moral compass from my body, be advised it's likely because of the beast's foul cooking. It cannot be sanitary and it certainly isn't wholesome or nutritious, unless char and poison have recently been added to the list of advised substances for the world-weary knight. (It hasn't. I checkded.)
Signed in blood, Nealan of Queenscove
(To whoever decided this blood thing as a good idea: you are crack and in desperate need of a physician.)
II.
Neal--
I've been breaking privacy charms since I earned my shield and they were made by better mages than you.
If you're going to write a dramatic retelling of my training regimen under the guise of secrecy, I suggest you actually crack those 'dry rolls of dead flesh' I borrowed from the Bloody Hawk.
I know you like books. It won't kill you.
A word of advice, squire-mine: less is more.
I'm not naturally nosey; the only reason I care about your weepy teenage love-diary is because you slathered it with enough sloppy magic screaming, "I HAVE A SECRET!" that any mage in three miles with a nose on their face will know we're coming.
Which is bad, Nealan.
I've stripped the spell work so you don't kill us both.
You may feel free to continue.
Wallowing in the dark pit of your despair, -Alanna
P.S. Don't forget I'm a shaman. I can still sense Bazhir hiding charms.
III.
Is nothing sacred?
Can a man keep nothing for himself?
Are his innermost thoughts to be displayed before the public?
Do not hide behind your claims of justice! You are a black-hearted fiend. You bathe in the virgin blood of infant children and dance naked in the moonlight. You birth demons and devour the souls of the innocent.
You eat more than your fair share of meat, too, you piglet. It's going straight to your thighs.
[Drawing of a pig with red hair and angry purple eyes]
Neal,
'Virgin blood of infant children' is redundant. Infants are, by their very definition, children. And unless we're delving into truly disturbing territory, I think we can fairly assume they're virgins as well.
My point: why use five words when three will do?
-Fiend
IV.
This must be a breach of moral contract.
I refuse to believe this kind of sordid exposition of your squire's life is considered respectable.
You don't want to talk about my years as a squire. There was very little respectable about them.
I can't believe you wrote that in my journal.
You're nineteen, Nealan. You're a big girl.
V.
Lads and Lassies,
I understand the pair of you have a bit of business to work out between yourselves. It's only natural that, after many years of solitary knighthood and the warm bosom of page solidarity, you both have some adjustments to make. I only ask that you remember to keep the personal details of Alanna's youth out of the hands of the children. Aly is precocious and dramatic enough to find all the knots and I never want to answer questions about "Uncle Jon" again.
Nealan, your secrecy spells of any kind are ineffective. It's best for everyone if you refocus your talents on something more suiting your strengths.
Alanna, you are a grown woman. Stop making the boy squirm for your entertainment. Make sure the children are asleep before you into your squire's chambers. Alan tearfully informed me this afternoon that you were replacing me with a younger man. I suggest you find where these "bendy squire" rumors are coming from, because it's affecting the children.
Behave, George
Aly did WHAT?
I'm sorry.
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Post by Cass on Dec 4, 2011 4:19:46 GMT 10
.
This is where I pretty much started giggling and didn't stop. And George's chastisement was the best.
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Post by gear on Dec 4, 2011 11:19:24 GMT 10
Oh, god. This was fabulous in every sense of the word. I would quote the best parts, but frankly, it would end up being the whole thing.
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Muse
Knight
Official Rogerfic Curator
Junior Overlord
Posts: 2,160
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Post by Muse on Jan 2, 2012 9:37:16 GMT 10
Griff, I can't decide what to point to in my speechless glee, because it's pretty much everything. The side notes, the "you're a big girl now", and George's "Lads and Lassies" at the top of page 5 are just the tip of the iceberg... I am in awe.
AWE.
I love it.
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