Post by Minuit on Jul 6, 2010 22:00:32 GMT 10
Top Ten Tips for Survival at Court
from Myles of Olau
brought to you by Greenie
So you want to go to Court? Are you sure about that? There are other options, you know, like running screaming for the hills. It might be less glamourous and dignified, of course, but it’s probably safer in the long run. Well, depending on which hills you go running to, but we won’t go into that now. Where was I? Ah yes, Court. You young ones are always after the fame and fashion and fortune, aren’t you? I’ve seen and experienced a lot at Court over the years, and I think you’re going to need all the help you can get. Luckily for you, the scrolls being brought from the City of the Gods have been delayed, and I’ve had nothing to do all morning. I’ve put together my Top Ten Tips for Survival at Court:
1. Choose your connections carefully. Nobody’s perfect, but a disloyal friend or overly greedy knight-master can do a lot of damage. Not all connections can be chosen, of course, but make sure you keep a close eye on your family. Leaving prideful and ambitious siblings unsupervised at Court is not a good idea.
2. Making friends isn’t all doom and gloom; choosing the right friends can get you some good perks too. Making a good impression on (sane) members of the royal family is a good way to start off – the closer to the throne they are, the better. Just be prepared to put up with pigheadedness; royal children tend to be spoilt brats.
3. Learn how to play chess. Making pleasant conversation over a game of chess is the best way to earn somebody’s affection without having to take your clothes off.
4. Think carefully about why you’re coming to the palace. Whatever you want to do, make sure you can still picture yourself doing it in 40 years’ time. For example, if you suspect that your name might be whispered in horrified tones along with the words ‘desk knight’ and that the sight of you on a horse would make children stare, then knighthood probably isn’t for you.
5. Rules are made to be broken! Trust me on this, life is a lot less stressful if you forget about the rules and social expectations. #2 comes in useful here – good connections are worth their weight in gold if you’re planning on unleashing your rebellious side. See me for more specific guidance on the Code of Chivalry.
6. Perfection gets you nowhere. The Champion is known as Tortall’s best liar, the Knight Commander has had issues with an addictive behaviour-altering substance, the Prime Minister’s existence as a desk knight horrifies children, Tortall’s most powerful mage has a shady history with Carthak, the Wildmage’s father is partially green and likes to prance around in a loincloth, and the King himself had slept his way through half of the Court by the time he was crowned. Embrace your imperfection and you’ll fit right in!
7. You’re at court, so make the most of it and utilise the resources available! Not only does the palace put on frequent feasts, but it is supplied with the best alcohol in the country. You get to indulge, enjoy yourself and save on expenses.
8. Adopt! Save a lot of money and bother by choosing the perfect child once it’s fully grown and past the stage of constantly outgrowing clothes and messing up piles of papers. Refer to #3 - this is a situation where you should use your chess-playing skills; affection between parent and child is good, but not that much affection.
9. Marry a commoner. This might seem a bit contradictory to some of the purposes of going to Court, but my adopted child and I have both followed this tip and it’s worked out well. Not only did we avoid the odd side effects that can occur from too much noble inbreeding, but we had the good fortune to choose the descendents of a historic local celebrity. If you’re still feeling a bit too snobby to go down to the city, why not start right here at the palace? The Own and the Riders are teeming with commoners, and they’re based just a leisurely stroll away from your quarters. Be a trendsetter and get in quick before the rest of the Court catches on!
10. Delegate responsibility. This is where acquiring family members comes in useful – you can have your adopted child managing your property, and your adopted child’s spouse using their commoner connections and secretly running the family occupation while you openly take the credit. If you’ve chosen your spouse wisely, you’ll even have someone willing to entertain boisterous grandchildren without wanting to be paid. Learn to delegate responsibility and you’ll be relaxing in the library with a nice brandy in no time.