anilaurel
Queen's Rider
Posts: 505
Gender: Other
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Post by anilaurel on Jun 15, 2009 8:25:46 GMT 10
Title: Fool
Rating: PG
Prompt: Food
Summary: Prequel to Dry, Woo Hoo. Amos contemplates the emperor. Kudos for guesses on who Amos actually is in the real world (same name).
Amos sighed and sat down on the dusty shore, beside him a pillar of rocks marked a life, ended by foolishness.
The year had been promising, with the irrigation they had been able to grow their crops and gardens. He and his wife had dreamed of fruit and vegetables filling the storeroom. Until the day a great wind monster had torn up their fields. Their food and dreams torn up and carried with it.
She didn't have enough food was what the healer said. That wasn't it, what had killed her was the foolishness of a man that didn't care.
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Post by ubiquitous on Jun 15, 2009 8:42:38 GMT 10
Ohh, nicely done! Interesting use of prompt.  |
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Post by Verasque on Jun 15, 2009 20:02:53 GMT 10
Liked the fact that it was told from a different POV. Kudos for the insightfulness! I'm not going to even attempt taking a guess at who Amos is  |
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Imogen
Probationer Page
Posts: 100
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Post by Imogen on Jun 16, 2009 3:07:52 GMT 10
I also liked the interesting use you made of the prompt and the unusual POV.
I'd like to offer some technical critique-- I hope that's ok!
I think that your grammar could be altered to make the drabble a little more effective. For instance, some of the places you used commas could be changed to periods, colons or semi-colons. You could also consider the use of paragraph breaks to place greater importance on certain sentences. Grammar is a fluid thing; I don't necessarily think that there's one right way to do it. But I notice grammar more in drabbles than in long fiction, because every word counts. Some suggestions:
Amos sighed and sat down on the dusty shore. Beside him a pillar of rocks marked a life, ended by foolishness.
The year had been promising. With the irrigation, they had been able to grow their crops and gardens. He and his wife had dreamed of fruit and vegetables filling the storeroom, until the day a great wind monster had torn up their fields. Their food and dreams torn up and carried with it.
She didn't have enough food was what the healer said.
That wasn't it.
What had killed her was the foolishness of a man that didn't care.
Or maybe:
Amos sighed and sat down on the dusty shore. Beside him a pillar of rocks marked a life, ended by foolishness.
The year had been promising: with the irrigation they had been able to grow their crops and gardens. He and his wife had dreamed of fruit and vegetables filling the storeroom. Until the day a great wind monster had torn up their fields, their food and dreams torn up and carried with it.
She didn't have enough food was what the healer said. That wasn't it; what had killed her was the foolishness of a man that didn't care.
You can play around with the elements of your drabble to get the words across in the way that is most meaningful to you. --Imo
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anilaurel
Queen's Rider
Posts: 505
Gender: Other
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Post by anilaurel on Jun 16, 2009 8:23:37 GMT 10
Amos is a prophet way back in the day like when my parents were in high school
Grammar is not my strong suit, I've been looking for a beta but most won't do AU's
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Imogen
Probationer Page
Posts: 100
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Post by Imogen on Jun 17, 2009 10:41:44 GMT 10
I like AU's as much as any other kind of fanfic! You can send me your AU's if you want them beta'd: imelford@gmail.com
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Maybe once we'd have seen it during Smackdown!